::confession

Precious Lord, I praise You for Your new mercies every morning.

There is such chaos in my heart, swelling in my soul.
I confess:

...to my constant worry and anxiety, continuously doubting Your provision for my needs.
...that I eagerly elevate and bow before the idols of my own preferences and opinions.
...that in thought, word, and deed, I marginalize others with cruelty and judgment, refusing to see Your image reflected in them.
...that I have treated Your perfect commands as if they are mere suggestions.
...to the ways in which I have squandered precious gifts and blessings.
...to my own self-destruction and self-sabotage, an outgrowth of my failure to recognize my own value as Your beloved child.
...that I have neglected to treat Your Love for me as a Glorious reality.

Please restore unto me the joy of salvation, and renew a right spirit within me.
May the words of my mouth and the meditations of my heart be always pleasing in Your sight, O Lord, my Rock and my Redeemer.

::pageantry

I'm a Christian who grew up in the Baptist church.
At 27, I decided to leave.
I landed at Trinity Church, where the worship service was drastically different. Traditional, liturgical, bursting at the seams with sacred creeds and elegant litanies.
I was hooked.
I still am.
Now, eight years later, my views on worship are quite pronounced.
Some may categorize them as snobbish or elitist.
So be it.

Sending someone from your church to go out and interview people about what they want from a worship service is an interesting idea.
If you're working on some sort of investigative journalistic article, that's a fine tactic. Perhaps even admirable.

But worship is not about what WE want.

...Or, is it?
The troubling trend is to erect a giant auditorium and stage a slightly-spiritually-themed theatrical production once a week.
Type the song lyrics into PowerPoint slides, project them on giant screens, flash a few colorful lights, perform a set of 7/11 songs, and let your latest guru share a few words before he shows you a particularly poignant scene from Iron Man 2.
What is your role in this?
It's simple, really.
Sit back and enjoy the show.
Be entertained.
Focus on your own comfort, your own preferences, sip your Double Mocha from the lobby's coffee shop/bookstore, and just relax.
After all, "God wants you to be happy," right?
This postmodern pageantry requires nothing from you; no self-examination, no confession of wrongdoing, no contemplation, no sacrifice, no discomfort whatsoever.
Lounge lazily in your comfy chair.
Welcome to worship.

::psalm project

This year, for Lent, the teenagers at church received a special assignment.

They, along with their leaders - myself included - were invited to participate in our own brand of

what is known as The Psalm Project.

We needed only to read the Lectionary Psalm for the week and allow it to inspire us; share images, sounds, songs, literature, stories, or any other inspirations that the text brought to mind.

From these inspirations, we crafted small, tangible works of art; one for each person in the congregation to take home, so that they could participate in our creative engagement with the Scriptures. 

Our first week, for Psalm 25, we distributed this: 

Inside, a square of card-stock bore this image: 

Inspired by Psalm 22, we crafted origami boxes from the very pages of the Psalms, and placed tiny foam-core squares inside, topped with delicate thorn-bush trimmings:

Psalm 19 called to mind Bruce Cockburn's song Lord of the Starfields, which inspired us to email this video to our community, as well as share daily photos taken by the Hubble telescope, like The Helix Nebula, often called The Eye of God : 

Psalm 107 conjured a labyrinthine theme in our collective minds, so one of our students rather deftly wrote its text inside of a printed labyrinth:

Psalm 51 found us distributing stones with sandblasted hearts crafted into them. They were placed in the baptismal font outside the sanctuary, beckoning our congregants to choose one on their way in to worship. 

Our final week found us recording a CD of different voices reading from Psalm 31, accompanied by an original guitar melody. This is a gorgeous and poignant piece, one into which the students clearly poured their hearts and souls. 

========================

This project was so delightfully different than anything I had ever participated in before; so refreshing, so poignant and such a revelation. 

We received such lovely feedback, too; many were moved and inspired by our humble efforts to engage with these Sacred poems of longing and painfully honest prayers. 

I was encouraged by a fellow leader to try my hand at crafting a Psalm of my own. 

I'm working on it. 

I hope to soon share the fruits of my labor. :)

::tumblin' threads

I'm a little late to the party on Tumblr.
Oh well.
Better late than never, I s'pose.

Recently I watched Young Adult, and was amazed at how Charlize Theron - one of the most physically beautiful women I've ever seen - could portray such a profoundly ugly person.
Also, Patton Oswalt, who I find absolutely hilarious as a comic, has some impressive acting chops.

He holds his own, spars with the masters, and emerges victorious.
He's the most sympathetic character in the whole story.

This film was written by Diablo Cody, whose writing I still thoroughly enjoy every time I watch Juno.
I love to watch great storytellers collaborate to unspool a fascinating tale.

::transitory

The last four weeks have been a flurry of blurry transitions.

 First, I suddenly and painfully moved out of the Detroit house.
 There were legitimate reasons and extenuating circumstances.
 Things happen in life, dear reader.
 And sometimes they suck.
 (Ask me privately. I'll explain.)

 So, I'm back in my hometown.
 Good old Holly.
 Hooray?

 A few days later, I was blessed with a new baby niece. Lilee Adelia.

I adore her already.
She's now 3.5 weeks old, and growing healthier, stronger, and cuter by the day.
What a precious gift.

Some lovely and beautiful news arrived again, as we learned that my dad will be Resident Director of Camp Lake Louise this summer!
YYYYYEEEESSSSSSS!! 

Words cannot contain my joy and gratitude for this.

Despite a few curveballs, I'm hangin' in there.
Blessings abound. 

::twenty eleven

I like to answer some questions from this survey whenever it's end-of-year season.
At best, it's a tool that helps me realize how much my life has truly changed and moved forward, thereby defeating my tendencies toward feelings of frustration and stagnancy. 
====
What did you do in 2011 that you'd never done before?
-- moved to Detroit, visited St. Joseph & Lake Michigan, got an iPhone, acted in a staged reading, lived in community with friends, worked with Special Needs adults @ Camp Lake Louise, wrote press releases for new novels, had a job interview in Grand Rapids, saw a concert at DTE...many more, I'm sure...

Did anyone close to you give birth?
-- Yes! My friend April had an adorable baby girl named Emelyn.

What date(s) from 2011 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
-- December 23, because it was the day of Jeremy Combs' funeral. 

What was the best gift you received?
-- My new-to-me computer for Christmas, a refurbished HP laptop. I'm very grateful. 

Where did most of your money go?
-- Gasoline, I suspect

What did you get really, really, really excited about?
-- My niece turning 3, spending so much time at Camp Lake Louise, my new pastor's arrival, the "Dance 'Til Dawn" movie night @ Zach and Erin's house

What song will always remind you of 2011?
-- The Beatles' "Oh Darlin'" 

What do you wish you'd done more of?
-- Keeping in touch with friends 

What do you wish you'd done less of?
-- Worrying, stressing, wasting time 

How did you spend Christmas?
-- My family spent Christmas Eve day together, then went to my parents' church, and the next morning, my parents came to church with me and we had dinner at Buca di Beppo...delicious! 

What was your favorite TV program?
-- Parks and Recreation

What was the best book you read?
-- Soul Pancake: Chew on Life's Big Questions ~ Rainn Wilson

What was your greatest musical discovery?
-- nervous but excited

What was your favorite film of this year?
-- I didn't see enough great ones...but I did love The Help 

What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
-- I was 35. I went out to eat with my family & my friend Tim @ Red Devil (delicious!), then the next day, we had our Sunday night youth group at Buddy's Pizza, which turned out to be such a fantastic dinner...aaaand then I ended the day with a ferocious gallbladder attack. But let's not focus on that. 

How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2011?
-- Layers, scarves, jewelry, and color; mainly purple. I tend to wear lots of black because it's "slimming," but I'm learning to mix in brighter colors and creatively accessorize. 

What kept you sane?
-- Music, writing, reading, and long talks in dive bars with close friends 

Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
-- Kevin Smith, probably...I listen to his podcast network every day 

Who did you miss?
-- My late grandparents

Who was the best new person you met?
-- Kimberly's brother Kyle and his wife Emily, and my new pastor, Phil Apol and his family 

Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2011:
-- Faith can be both a very healing force, and/or a very dangerous liability. 

Quote a song lyric that sums up your year:

All of these lines across my face tell you the story of who I am 
So many stories of where I've been and how I got to where I am 
But these stories don't mean anything when you've got no one to tell them to 
It's true
I was made for you 

~Brandi Carlile

::restore

On the first Sunday of Advent, my new pastor read a quote from Quaker writer Parker Palmer,
"The insight at the heart of nonviolence is that we live in a tragic gap - a gap between the way things are and the way we know they might be...we must learn to stand in the tragic gap, faithfully holding the tension between reality and possibility." 

I have learned this year, perhaps for the first time, that Advent is a season of profound longing. 

I have one friend whose newborn baby has a rare, aggressive form of cancer.
His tiny fragile body must soon undergo chemotherapy.
I read my friend's updates on Facebook, and I stare at the screen and weep. 

I have another friend whose 22-year-old son died suddenly of an aneurysm last weekend. 

His funeral is tomorrow, and I will be there alongside my parents as we watch our precious friend bury his son.

I sit with the horror of this pain, knowing it reflects so much more of its kind, worldwide.

And I know I speak for many when I cannot help but ask, Why at Christmas, of all times?

And the answer comes back, over and over, because this is why God became human in the first place.
This is why we enter into Advent.
This is why we wait.

Jesus was born into a world where the king wanted to kill him, and therefore ordered the slaughter of all male children under the age of two.
Mary and Joseph were trapped in a lonely cave with livestock, without their families or friends, devoid of rejoicing voices.

This is the same world that God created and entered; the one that He passionately believed to be worth saving.

We cannot reverse what has gone so horribly wrong.
We can only cry out to the One who makes Restoration possible.

Even if our prayers are bumbling and threadbare at best...

I'm SO angry, and so terribly sad, and I don't understand any bit of this primordial stew of suffering.  
But please, please help. 
We need the comfort, love, and peace that only You can bring. 
Amen.