::yo where you been?

What's with the lack of blogging? Where have you been?

My friend Valerie, a regular reader (Hi Val! Thanks for reading!), asked me these questions last week.

Where have I been?

Well, I've had two major addictions fighting for top billing lately.

Pinterest and Instant Netflix.

Pinterest is, perhaps, the Internet's answer to heroin.

It leads me into these insomniac trances where all of a sudden it's 3 am and I'm like Holy crap, what year is it?
I highly recommend it, but also advise that you approach with extreme caution.

Also, Instant Netflix now features AMC original programming.

Mad Men and Breaking Bad, specifically.

Both shows boast supremely gifted actors, phenomenal characterization, fascinating premises, and wonderfully complex leading men.
All of those features and so much more are a recipe for addiction.

Again, they cause insomnia to the point where I'm lying in bed staring at my laptop and thinking, Just...one...more...episode...aaaand THEN I can go to sleep.

This is the sort of (pseudo-)logic that ultimately renders me zombie-esque and uninspired.

Hence, no updates for a while.

Also, I tend to write in spurts.

I'm not proud of it.

In fact, I kind of hate it.

But I can't seem to break away.

::all hallows

So, I had a busy weekend.

I like those.

They help me create the illusion of a social life.

Halloween, Halloween, Halloween...it's all I'm hearing about lately.

Is it terrible that I don't really care?

I love caramel apples and cider, I've had plenty of fun at past Halloween parties, and I could eat a whole bag of Brach's Autumn Mix candy in one sitting, but that's beside the point.

I admire people who have the motivation to craft elaborate, complex costumes.

I'm not one of them.

Last year for a Halloween party, I borrowed fake leaves from my mom, attached them to my autumn-colored outfit and stuck them in my hair, and went as Autumn.

Conceptual costume.

Dig it.

Whatever I do this year - if anything - I doubt it will involve anything as elaborate as papier-mâché or, God forbid, sewing.

I may just wear my long winter coat, slap on a backwards baseball cap, draw myself a black beard, and go as Silent Bob.
This will carry the added bonus of not having to speak all evening.

Sounds promising, n'est-ce pas?

::queue and ay

-- Where is your Mother?

I'm pretty sure she's at home, in Holly.
Although she's not watching my niece today so she may be, as my Canadian friends would say, "oot and aboot."
Maybe at Wal*Mart.
Or TJ Maxx. She loves it there.

-- Where is your Father?

My best guess: taking a nap.
He has the weirdest sleep schedule of anyone ever, besides maybe Leonardo da Vinci.
The poor guy has chronic insomnia and wakes up around 2 am every day.
He needs a daily nap.

-- Where were you born?

At McLaren Hospital in Flint, Michigan.
And now I live in Detroit, which is actually less dangerous than Flint.
Funny how these things pan out.

--How many days until your birthday?

44.
I'm trying to make plans already.
Operative word: trying.
I hate when people are non-committal jerkfaces.

-- What is the closest orange object to you?

A bottle of leftover Vicodin.
I like to keep it around for emergencies...you know, like those migraines that feel like a wrecking ball slamming against my skull.

-- How many books are in your room?

Not enough.
I have yet to undertake the grandiose task of moving my entire personal library to my new residence.
Dude, it's gonna be rough.

-- Who is your favorite teacher of all time?

Jill Armistead.
She was my favorite literature professor in college.
She had tremendous warmth, compassion, intellect, and a crazy awesome Scottish brogue.
I miss her.

-- Name one of your goals for this year?

I need a job. Jay oh bee.
Also, I'd like to submit a few poems for publication.
But I've been saying that for like five years now, so maybe it's not so likely.

-- What is the biggest trouble you have ever been in?

In 2003, I was in a car accident wherein I dislocated my hip.
Some douchey cop followed the ambulance to the hospital so he could write me a ticket for not wearing my seatbelt.
Hey, jerkface? My leg is out of its socket. I think I may have learned my lesson.

-- Did you cry when Michael Jackson died?

I did.
I was at a movie with my friend when it happened, and when I got home and saw the news, I cried.
He was sublimely talented and yet so tragically troubled.
The sorrow of it all just kind of crashed into me at that moment.

-- What does your 9th message on your phone say?

"Okay babe"

-- Are you scared about the end of the world?

Not really.
If I thought about it more often, I probably would be.

-- Is there a TV in the room you are in?

Yes.
It's an old-school TV/VCR combo.
I watched Liar Liar on it the other day.
Good times.

-- Do you usually hold your pee for a long time?

As a matter of fact, yes.
Even though, as an avid Seinfeld watcher, I did learn from George Costanza that "holding it in is bad for the kidneys."
That guy claimed to read medical journals a lot.

-- Worst feeling in the world?

When I am 100% sure that vomiting is imminent.
I cannot even move.

-- Name something you think is pointless?

Cheerleading.
Also, why do people cheer for games that they're watching on television?
If you're there, in person, it makes sense to voice your encouragement, I suppose... but at home or in a bar, you know they can't hear you, right?
It's just obnoxious.

-- Favorite fast food restaurant?

Does Panera count?
If not, then I'd have to go with Arby's.
Their chicken salad sandwich is an evil temptress.

-- Did you have a weird dream last night?

Not that I remember.
I have a strange habit of dreaming about famous people, though...like a couple weeks ago in dreamland, I was on a date with Russell Brand.
He was a perfect gentleman.

-- Do you wish at 11:11?

No, I'm not terribly superstitious.
But I think I will certainly enjoy the two occasions of 11:11 on 11/11/11.