Ok, folks. Time for my triumphant return to the blogosphere.
I felt the urge to write when the Sandy Hook atrocity was first reported, but I find that the reactionary soapbox-ers are provoking me even further. I can no longer keep silent.
Lookin' at you, Mike Huckabee.
Ok...SERIOUSLY?
This is a glaring exhibition of what is so very wrong with American Christianity.
Trust me, I know, because I used to brandish the same arrogance. I used to pass on those hideous emails that urged me to be intentional about saying "Merry CHRISTmas!" instead of "Happy Holidays." I used to drink the Kool-Aid about how everything went south when prayer was taken out of schools, the Ten Commandments could no longer be posted, and abortion became legal.
Contained therein is the Us vs. Them Worldview: We're evangelical Christians, and our faith is superior to anything you believe. Ergo, we are superior. If you disagree with us, you're wrong, and we will (at least claim to) pray for the salvation of your soul. We're entitled to be righteously indignant because you have pooh-poohed our ethics and denied the Truth (note capital "T") of our faith. We are a persecuted minority because you dare to suggest that our beliefs are not universal. And then you DARE to come into OUR churches when you need support?! We glare and smirk haughtily at your fair-weather devotion. You're the ones who "marched God out of the public square" and now you come crawling back just because you're suffering? Nice try. This happened because you kicked God out of your life. Congratulations. You can't say we didn't warn you.
Frankly, Mr. Huckabee sounds like the older brother in the Prodigal Son story.
Whatever happened to him, anyway?
And what does that feel like? Well...I suppose it's...lonely? A little bit? Wistful.
Restless.
This past summer, for the first time in I-don't-know-how-long, I felt like I had purpose. Like I was needed. And what we were doing, that small team of us, just keeping the wheels of ministry spinning, felt so esoteric and insular, yet so universal.
Now that I have returned, I'm living at my parents' house because I can't afford to live anywhere else. As grateful as I am to have somewhere to stay, it feels cramped and renders me restless. I can't stop beating myself up about it. And I'm searching for a job, as it feels like I'm essentially always doing. Beating myself up about that is very difficult to avoid. I just can't stop feeling like an enormous failure.
Longing to be back at camp is just another in a lengthy laundry list of grass-is-always-greener longings, I suppose.
Perhaps I need to pray for the grace and courage to accept myself the way I am, for what and where I am, because there is no other version of me. This is it.
Tonight I found myself in a Bible study wherein the leader (Read: my dad) mentioned the term "God thing"...as in, something positive happens to you and you say "That was such a God thing!"
I don't use that term. Ever. And I don't just find it annoying. I find it offensive.
I may have gotten a little "worked up" about my opinion, which is unusual for me, so I need to process.
Someone brought up, "I think God prefers that we think of Him more often than not. I don't think it offends Him." But I never said it offended Him.
I'm saying it offends me.
My sensibilities are far more irritable and high-maintenance than God's.
I have the unfortunate plight of being surprised by things like awful Christian-culture phrases.
And maybe God does love it when we "think of Him"...but doesn't it matter what we're thinking of Him, and why?
It's one thing to just be annoyed by the cheesy phrase (which I am), but I know it goes deeper than that.
To say that something is "a God thing" sounds terribly vague.
Is it characterized as such because it reminds you to give credit where credit is ultimately due? Is it something that reminds you that God loves you, even in the tiny details you might deem unimportant to Him?
Ultimately, I think using such a term gives God way too little credit for being who He is.
Every gift that is bestowed upon us, every breath we're given, is "a God thing."
To give Him credit only for the things that make us feel happy in the moment? I just feel like we, as His people, can (and should) have truckloads more reverence for Him than that.
Here's the thing:
Being single is really hard sometimes.
Especially in your mid-30s, when you wonder how many people have wondered if you may, in fact, be one of The Un-marry-ables.
Or maybe, horror of horrors, you're secretly (GASP!) a lesbian.
But alas, you're not gay.
You're attracted to guys.
The problem is, they don't really seem to be attracted to you.
And even though you know, deep down, that it's "not your fault," well...sometimes it just feels like it is.
Maybe you're just too fat, too sensitive, too needy, too...something.
You also know that being in a relationship and/or being married is really hard sometimes.
You have seen this firsthand.
You have seen marriages crumble to dust.
You have seen break-ups that were downright soul-crushing.
And yet, sometimes you just can't help but pine for the companionship.
The temptation to pine is everywhere; from romantic-comedy storylines to evangelical sermons.
And that's why you watch this video almost every day.
This poet moves you in places you didn't know you had.
She makes you shiver and cry.
You hold this close to your heart, a soul-soother when you need its magical elixir.
[THANK YOU, Janette, from the depths of my spirit.]
Precious Lord, I praise You for Your new mercies every morning.
There is such chaos in my heart, swelling in my soul.
I confess:
...to my constant worry and anxiety, continuously doubting Your provision for my needs. ...that I eagerly elevate and bow before the idols of my own preferences and opinions.
...that in thought, word, and deed, I marginalize others with cruelty and judgment, refusing to see Your image reflected in them.
...that I have treated Your perfect commands as if they are mere suggestions. ...to the ways in which I have squandered precious gifts and blessings. ...to my own self-destruction and self-sabotage, an outgrowth of my failure to recognize my own value as Your beloved child.
...that I have neglected to treat Your Love for me as a Glorious reality.
Please restore unto me the joy of salvation, and renew a right spirit within me. May the words of my mouth and the meditations of my heart be always pleasing in Your sight, O Lord, my Rock and my Redeemer.
I'm a Christian who grew up in the Baptist church.
At 27, I decided to leave.
I landed at Trinity Church, where the worship service was drastically different. Traditional, liturgical, bursting at the seams with sacred creeds and elegant litanies.
I was hooked.
I still am.
Now, eight years later, my views on worship are quite pronounced.
Some may categorize them as snobbish or elitist.
So be it.
Sending someone from your church to go out and interview people about what they want from a worship service is an interesting idea.
If you're working on some sort of investigative journalistic article, that's a fine tactic. Perhaps even admirable.
But worship is not about what WE want.
...Or, is it?
The troubling trend is to erect a giant auditorium and stage a slightly-spiritually-themed theatrical production once a week.
Type the song lyrics into PowerPoint slides, project them on giant screens, flash a few colorful lights, perform a set of 7/11 songs, and let your latest guru share a few words before he shows you a particularly poignant scene from Iron Man 2.
What is your role in this?
It's simple, really.
Sit back and enjoy the show.
Be entertained.
Focus on your own comfort, your own preferences, sip your Double Mocha from the lobby's coffee shop/bookstore, and just relax.
After all, "God wants you to be happy," right?
This postmodern pageantry requires nothing from you; no self-examination, no confession of wrongdoing, no contemplation, no sacrifice, no discomfort whatsoever.
Lounge lazily in your comfy chair.
Welcome to worship.
We needed only to read the Lectionary Psalm for the week and allow it to inspire us; share images, sounds, songs, literature, stories, or any other inspirations that the text brought to mind.
From these inspirations, we crafted small, tangible works of art; one for each person in the congregation to take home, so that they could participate in our creative engagement with the Scriptures.
Our first week, for Psalm 25, we distributed this:
Inside, a square of card-stock bore this image:
Inspired by Psalm 22, we crafted origami boxes from the very pages of the Psalms, and placed tiny foam-core squares inside, topped with delicate thorn-bush trimmings:
Psalm 19 called to mind Bruce Cockburn's song Lord of the Starfields, which inspired us to email this video to our community, as well as share daily photos taken by the Hubble telescope, like The Helix Nebula, often called The Eye of God :
Psalm 107 conjured a labyrinthine theme in our collective minds, so one of our students rather deftly wrote its text inside of a printed labyrinth:
Psalm 51 found us distributing stones with sandblasted hearts crafted into them. They were placed in the baptismal font outside the sanctuary, beckoning our congregants to choose one on their way in to worship.
Our final week found us recording a CD of different voices reading from Psalm 31, accompanied by an original guitar melody. This is a gorgeous and poignant piece, one into which the students clearly poured their hearts and souls.
========================
This project was so delightfully different than anything I had ever participated in before; so refreshing, so poignant and such a revelation.
We received such lovely feedback, too; many were moved and inspired by our humble efforts to engage with these Sacred poems of longing and painfully honest prayers.
I was encouraged by a fellow leader to try my hand at crafting a Psalm of my own.
I'm a little late to the party on Tumblr.
Oh well.
Better late than never, I s'pose.
Recently I watched Young Adult, and was amazed at how Charlize Theron - one of the most physically beautiful women I've ever seen - could portray such a profoundly ugly person.
Also, Patton Oswalt, who I find absolutely hilarious as a comic, has some impressive acting chops.
He holds his own, spars with the masters, and emerges victorious.
He's the most sympathetic character in the whole story.
This film was written by Diablo Cody, whose writing I still thoroughly enjoy every time I watch Juno.
I love to watch great storytellers collaborate to unspool a fascinating tale.
The last four weeks have been a flurry of blurry transitions.
First, I suddenly and painfully moved out of the Detroit house.
There were legitimate reasons and extenuating circumstances.
Things happen in life, dear reader.
And sometimes they suck.
(Ask me privately. I'll explain.)
So, I'm back in my hometown.
Good old Holly.
Hooray?
A few days later, I was blessed with a new baby niece.
Lilee Adelia.
I adore her already.
She's now 3.5 weeks old, and growing healthier, stronger, and cuter by the day.
What a precious gift.
Some lovely and beautiful news arrived again, as we learned that my dad will be Resident Director of Camp Lake Louise this summer!
YYYYYEEEESSSSSSS!!
Words cannot contain my joy and gratitude for this.
Despite a few curveballs, I'm hangin' in there.
Blessings abound.
I like to answer some questions from this survey whenever it's end-of-year season. At best, it's a tool that helps me realize how much my life has truly changed and moved forward, thereby defeating my tendencies toward feelings of frustration and stagnancy. ==== What did you do in 2011 that you'd never done before? -- moved to Detroit, visited St. Joseph & Lake Michigan, got an iPhone, acted in a staged reading, lived in community with friends, worked with Special Needs adults @ Camp Lake Louise, wrote press releases for new novels, had a job interview in Grand Rapids, saw a concert at DTE...many more, I'm sure...
Did anyone close to you give birth? -- Yes! My friend April had an adorable baby girl named Emelyn. What date(s) from 2011 will remain etched upon your memory, and why? -- December 23, because it was the day of Jeremy Combs' funeral. What was the best gift you received? -- My new-to-me computer for Christmas, a refurbished HP laptop. I'm very grateful.
Where did most of your money go? -- Gasoline, I suspect What did you get really, really, really excited about? -- My niece turning 3, spending so much time at Camp Lake Louise, my new pastor's arrival, the "Dance 'Til Dawn" movie night @ Zach and Erin's house
What song will always remind you of 2011? -- The Beatles' "Oh Darlin'" What do you wish you'd done more of? -- Keeping in touch with friends What do you wish you'd done less of? -- Worrying, stressing, wasting time
How did you spend Christmas? -- My family spent Christmas Eve day together, then went to my parents' church, and the next morning, my parents came to church with me and we had dinner at Buca di Beppo...delicious! What was your favorite TV program? -- Parks and Recreation What was the best book you read? -- Soul Pancake: Chew on Life's Big Questions ~ Rainn Wilson
What was your greatest musical discovery? -- nervous but excited What was your favorite film of this year? -- I didn't see enough great ones...but I did love The Help
What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you? -- I was 35. I went out to eat with my family & my friend Tim @ Red Devil (delicious!), then the next day, we had our Sunday night youth group at Buddy's Pizza, which turned out to be such a fantastic dinner...aaaand then I ended the day with a ferocious gallbladder attack. But let's not focus on that.
How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2011? -- Layers, scarves, jewelry, and color; mainly purple. I tend to wear lots of black because it's "slimming," but I'm learning to mix in brighter colors and creatively accessorize. What kept you sane? -- Music, writing, reading, and long talks in dive bars with close friends
Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most? -- Kevin Smith, probably...I listen to his podcast network every day Who did you miss? -- My late grandparents Who was the best new person you met? -- Kimberly's brother Kyle and his wife Emily, and my new pastor, Phil Apol and his family Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2011: -- Faith can be both a very healing force, and/or a very dangerous liability.
Quote a song lyric that sums up your year: All of these lines across my face tell you the story of who I am So many stories of where I've been and how I got to where I am But these stories don't mean anything when you've got no one to tell them to It's true I was made for you
On the first Sunday of Advent, my new pastor read a quote from Quaker writer Parker Palmer, "The insight at the heart of nonviolence is that we live in a tragic gap - a gap between the way things are and the way we know they might be...we must learn to stand in the tragic gap, faithfully holding the tension between reality and possibility."
I have learned this year, perhaps for the first time, that Advent is a season of profound longing.
I have one friend whose newborn baby has a rare, aggressive form of cancer.
His tiny fragile body must soon undergo chemotherapy.
I read my friend's updates on Facebook, and I stare at the screen and weep.
I have another friend whose 22-year-old son died suddenly of an aneurysm last weekend.
His funeral is tomorrow, and I will be there alongside my parents as we watch our precious friend bury his son.
I sit with the horror of this pain, knowing it reflects so much more of its kind, worldwide.
And I know I speak for many when I cannot help but ask, Why at Christmas, of all times?
And the answer comes back, over and over, because this is why God became human in the first place.
This is why we enter into Advent.
This is why we wait.
Jesus was born into a world where the king wanted to kill him, and therefore ordered the slaughter of all male children under the age of two.
Mary and Joseph were trapped in a lonely cave with livestock, without their families or friends, devoid of rejoicing voices.
This is the same world that God created and entered; the one that He passionately believed to be worth saving.
We cannot reverse what has gone so horribly wrong.
We can only cry out to the One who makes Restoration possible.
Even if our prayers are bumbling and threadbare at best...
I'm SO angry, and so terribly sad, and I don't understand any bit of this primordial stew of suffering. But please, please help. We need the comfort, love, and peace that only You can bring. Amen.
Post a picture of the following and explain: 1. Yourself. Do you like having your picture taken? Why or why not? Do you have a "good side"?
I don't generally enjoy having my picture taken, no.
Unless I'm taking it myself.
And yes, there are angles and "sides" that are much more flattering than others.
Any angle or viewpoint I can find that hides my raging double chin? That's a winner.
2. Your pet(s). What are their names?
I live in a house with pets, yes. I wouldn't say that they're mine, necessarily, but I do love them as my own. Pippin is the dog, a Maltese whom I sometimes believe is the Cutest Thing on Earth.
And there are two cats, Peg-a-leg (she's got 3 legs) and Pumpkin, the latter of whom is ordinarily very shy, but has somehow warmed up to me.
She stands at my door and meows when she wants attention and cuddles. I love it.
3. Your favourite vacation spot. Describe exactly where the picture is taken. What's special about this place?
Myrtle Beach, SC in 2009 was the best vacation I've ever had.
The photo above was taken at dawn on the first morning of our visit, from the balcony of our condo on the 11th floor.
I had never been to the ocean before, and felt therefore mesmerized by its beauty, its sounds, its sheer magnitude and overpowering presence.
Plus, my niece Emma was the most adorable beach babe ever.
4. Your bedroom or favourite room in your home. Explain or tell a story about some of the items in the room.
My favorite "room" is actually the backyard patio + garden. It's a beautiful and tranquil spot, ideal for reading, writing, visiting with loved ones and summer soirees. I have written many a poignant word in this garden, and hope to write many more.
5. One of your favorite pictures of all time, whether for artistic or sentimental reasons. Why is this picture special to you?
This is Emma at Camp Lake Louise, and I love it so much because it captures an evening that was so special, so precious; one I shared with my dear friend Robin and my family. The sun was just lilting downward in the sky as we walked out on the sandbar. My brother Josh threw sticks out into the lake for the dogs to fetch, and Emma ran after them too. We laughed so hard we cried, the dusky cornucopia of color enveloped us, my soul swelled with Love, and my heart fell prostrate with gratitude.
A funk, if you will. My emotions match the outdoor ambience.
What ails me is nothing extraordinary; just the everyday business of living, really. I so deeply treasure the gift of communication, and it can be devastating when others do not. It's a tough road sometimes when you're easygoing and considered "nice," because people figure they can do whatever they want, and you won't mind. You don't have any preferences, and even if you do, they're infinitely flexible; certainly nothing to be taken seriously. You finally start to assert yourself, lend a voice to your flimsy feelings, and they think it's cute. Comical. They look at you the way they might at a kitten wearing a tiger costume. A friend in college said to me one year, "I hate the holidays. They're so depressing." And I remember regarding him with a puzzled, pained expression and asking with just the right note of annoying naïveté, "Why?"
I'm sitting in Starbucks, and there are lovely window-cling snowflakes everywhere.
I know lots of folks who scorn the perceived tyranny and highway robbery of Starbucks.
I understand that.
But I love their coffee. Always have, always will.
I also love the friendly employees and the wide array of characters who saunter through its doors. Also, I have a long-standing affinity for their holiday drinks.
Peppermint Mocha seems overstuffed with some sort of narcotic.
Gingerbread latte? Oh jeez. Delicious.
I've been asked to write a spoken-word performance piece for a Christmas concert.
I have ideas, and I think it could shape up to be something special.
But I'm still nervous, like always. What if I can't finish it? What if I end up writing something awash with cliches that everyone has already heard a million times? What if it's sub-par and everyone gets disappointed? What if I try really hard and still can't piece it together so it makes perfect sense?
UGH.
Self-doubt is a stubborn, cruel bastard.
I know it doesn't come from any healthy places.
I need to pray for its eradication.
Tattoos - not generally, but for some reason, I think John Mayer's left arm tattoo sleeve is hot. Piercings - Not many people can pull off the more "exotic" ones. But I can't judge anyone. I'm seriously thinking about getting my nose pierced.
-- What’s the weirdest thing you’ve ever licked?
One time when I was like fifteen, my friend dared me to lick one of these thingies in the church office.
It was in front of a bunch of people, which upped the ante to Triple-Dog-Dare territory.
I did it.
-- Do you actually believe Alaska is covered in snow?
Ummm...not all of it?
I don't know.
I saw The Proposal. Was that filmed on location?
-- Are you ever purposely irritating?
Well, my dad hates my British accent. It makes his skin crawl.
So naturally, when visiting my parents, I like to spread it on thick. 'Ello gov'na!
-- If you could make someone disappear, who would it be?
This question makes me realize that I passionately dislike way too many people.
-- What’s the most important thing to you?
Thing?
Ummm, either my computer or my phone.
I'm such a techno-slave, it's gross.
-- How do you spend your weekends?
Sleeping late (let's not kid ourselves, I do that on weekdays too), volunteering here, visiting friends, watching movies, drinking beer, eating pizza, laughing loudly in bars/restaurants, going to church.
-- What country would you love to visit?
England.
I'm such an anglophile.
-- What’s on your mind right now?
I need wintergreen Tums.
Like, now.
-- When was the last time you went to a good party?
I went an an anniversary party in July that kicked the sorry ass of every other party I've ever been to.
Read more here.
-- Do you like anyone you can’t have?
Always.
It's a sickness.
-- Do you speak your mind?
Not enough.
But I find that when I do manage to assemble the courage to speak my mind, I'm really shaky.
And afterwards, I'm instantly embarrassed.
I probably need to figure that out.
-- What would you do if someone random on the street came up to you and started hitting on you?
Oh mercy.
This happened once. At a gas station.
I'm walking back to my car after paying, and some dude in clothes 10 sizes too big comes lumbering after me and opens with, "Wha'sup girl? You got a man?"
I hesitated, then said "Yeah...I'm sorry."
Yep, I lied.
-- Name the stupidest thing you’ve ever done?
Ummm...How about that time I lost my keys in Meijer?
Orrr...losing my keys in Target? Twice?
Ohhhh WAIT.
It has to be that time I was desperately searching my car for my phone,
only to realize I was TALKING ON IT.
-- Would you talk to someone you don’t know on the internet?
Oh jeez.
I do that pretty much every day.
Child's play.
-- If you could speak another language, what would it be?
Well, I kind of speak French.
I took four years of it in high school.
I don't use it, except for when I'm feeling pretentious and watching some French movie on Netflix, and then I can understand some of the dialogue without reading the subtitles.
I am an International Woman of Mystery.
-- One word to describe yourself? Curious.
-- What’s the last present you’ve received?
This badass pair of black knee-high boots.
I feel very Sex and the City when I wear 'em.
-- You and your friends are bored. What do you do?
Watch Family Guy.
Always entertaining.
-- Who hates Twilight as much as I do?
Embarrassing story: I borrowed the Twilight books from a friend and obsessively read all four of them in three weeks.
Now? I see the movies and all through each one, my cheeks flush with humiliation because I feel like such a MORON for ever being captivated by this teenage melodrama tripe.
Also, I fell asleep during the last one.
I think Taylor Lautner took his shirt off, but I can't be sure.
-- What would you do if the world were coming to an end?
Look around for Kirk Cameron, definitely.
He seems like a guy who would know what to do.
-- Biggest regret ever?
Right after high school, I went to college and had a really awful experience.
Finally after two years, with a raging case of Major Depressive Disorder, I left.
Going there was maybe the worst decision I ever made.
Leaving was probably the best.
-- If you could see your future in a movie, would you watch it?
Surprisingly good question, Survey Writer!
I don't think I would.
I tend to enjoy being surprised.
-- If you won a holiday but had to choose either a cruise ship or resort, what would you choose?
Who am I going with? Where is the cruise? And where is the resort?
Because if either option includes weather that makes you choke on your own sweat, I'll pass.
Humidity and I do not get along.
-- Favorite color?
Purple.
And yet, The Color Purple is not my favorite movie or book.
What a waste.
-- What annoys you?
Loud chewing/eating, gum cracking, sweltering temperatures, my hair, Christian subculture, and people who talk incessantly, completely oblivious to the fact that no one's listening and no one cares.
I try to avoid those people, but once in awhile, they sneak up on me.
When all else fails, just walk away.
